"So how have you changed?"

I've been thinking a lot about lost connections recently. This Thursday will be the 10-year anniversary of MCSEA's first meeting, and with a reunion planned for next weekend, I've been spending time tracking people down for the event. That's gotten me thinking about all the other people who mean the world to me, and yet, somehow, I haven't spoken to in 2 or 3 years.

One thing I've decided is that the standard question, "so what have you been up to?" just isn't good enough. I don't want to know what's been happening *to* the people that matter to me, so much as I want to know how they've *been.* New hobbies and exciting jobs are the things you tell someone about on a first date, they don't really mean as much for long-lost friendships. A better question, the one I think I'm going to start asking, is "So how have you changed?" I haven't seen you in 1, 2, maybe 8 years. We used to be close, we used to really *know* each other. More than how you like your job and your new relationship, what I wonder is how the time has affected you, how you've grown, and what you think of it all.

Too deep? I hope not. This isn't the type of thing I'd ask of an old acquaintance, anyway. It seems to me that it was easier to develop strong connections with people when I was younger. I think this may be a general fact of life, rather than one of my particular neuroses. If you can't talk like this with your old, close friends, can you with anyone?

So that has me wondering, how have I changed since MCSEA? Sad to say, but I think a lot of the changes have been for the worse. Looking back on my MCSEA days, what strikes me most was the depth of my commitment. I believed in protecting the Wild and I believed it down through my marrow. That gave me stronger convictions than I have today. It gave me a ridiculous work ethic which I only wish I could still manage (~30 hrs/week on the organization, plus school, music, and the occasional bout of homework).

It's not that I lack those convictions today, but as I've learned more about politics, I've become less of a radical and more of a pragmatist. Years of studying leadership development and organizing have left me wondering if real fundamental change is even possible, and it's left me bitter about a lot of elements of the movement. We have justice on our side, but the opposition doesn't just win because they're better funded -- sometimes they also play a lot smarter than we do. And, of course, a couple of SSC-related calamities shook me to the core. When you put yourself completely into any one thing, you rely on that thing for your self-worth. The struggle over me becoming national director hurt, maybe more than any other single event in my life (Tenley included). And after the Trainings position didn't work out, I couldn't help but withdraw a bit.

There are some nice changes too. As great as MCSEA was, there were a lot of leadership skills that I, um, substantially lacked. I've gotten better with many of those things, and I've developed a lot of skills that are useful on the Board and elsewhere. And I'm a more well-rounded person than I used to be. Between Sierra, academia, swing, and poker, I live in so many different worlds -- and play such distinctly different roles -- that it can be difficult to keep track. Being well-rounded means, by definition, that you don't possess a singular, driving devotion. Whether that change is a good thing or a bad thing... well, I guess it depends on who you ask.

Oh, and one way that I haven't changed at all: I'm still just as awkward around girls as I ever was. Most of the time, at least. Maybe by the time the 20th reunion comes around, I will have figured that out...